Sunday night, my eardrum ruptured in my left ear. My right eardrum ruptured in January. I can't hear very well. I don't even know how many times my eardrums have ruptured. I've got to go see my ENT doctor again. With all the rupturing and then growth of scar tissue as they heal, my hearing has diminished greatly over the years. I anticipate, as did my primary doc, that I will probably have to have hearing aids someday. That blows.
John has trouble hearing, too. His difficulty comes when there is background noise. So, he can never hear at home, unless the kids are asleep! Yesterday we went for a quickie. That is, we had an hour long date before he had to head to work. We settle the kids and inform them we're leaving for an hour. We get in the car. "Where do you want to go?" John asks. "I don't know", I say. (This is very typical.) So, he starts driving. John: You choose, this was your idea. Me: No, you choose. (Do you see a pattern here?) So finally I choose Gandolfo's. They have grubbin' sandwiches. But, then across the street I see BK. I LOVE their fries. So then...Me: Maybe BK instead, I love their fries. John: Okay. Me: No, nevermind, you want to go to Gandolfo's. John: It doesn't matter. Just choose! We go to BK.
There we are eating, and because of my hearing, I can swear that I'm yelling. Am I yelling? No, John says. But how would he know? He can't hear either...there's background noise! I mean, we are both hearing impaired...maybe we're yelling so we can hear one another, but we THINK we're using normal voices. This is highly possible! *gasp* I look around to see if anyone is staring. No one is. Pheww...
But, I can just see us in the future. Two little old people yelling at each other. John says that we'll just learn sign language. *sigh* The joys of getting older. I am not happy about it. The hearing, the gray hair, being uncool and unhip. I mean, it really stinks. We also discussed John's hair. He's got two, um, "hair holes" in front (this is what the kids call them), as well as one in the back of his head. But, really he still has plenty of hair. I wondered and said: Do you think you'll lose more hair? Apparently, you can kind-of guess based on the mother's father. John thinks he won't lose much more hair. Well, that's good. Hair is nice.
We've also discussed how old we'll be when Lincoln leaves the house (if he's our last child and if he's out by 19--we can only hope). We'll be 55. That doesn't seem TOO bad. Does it? Because I had children when John and I married, we've NEVER BEEN ALONE! So, our alone time will be when we're older. I just hope we still have UMPH!
We'd like to travel. I can see us yelling at each other while we're driving in our RV. Me: Turn here! John: What? Me: Turn here!! John: Right or left?! Me: You missed the turn!!!! Hee hee! It'll be fun.I'm so glad I'll grow old with him, even if it means a lot of yelling.
Cynthia
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Bathtime
At bathtime, I had the three youngest boys in the bathroom getting ready to get in the tub. Hunter and Micah stripped down and I got Lincoln ready. Micah says, "I know why Lincoln has a little penis. It's because he's little. And Hunter and I have big ones." As he said "big ones" he did 2 pelvic thrusts, in the nude mind you. The joys of boys.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Spring Cleaning
Well, it's about that time. Time for spring cleaning. I will admit up front that I am not a thorough spring cleaner. But I do clean in places that I don't normally clean.
1. Under/behind the couches and in the cushions. Okay, we do this more than once a year, but definitely in the spring. If you are one of the lucky ones who moves your couch and finds clean floor, wow, I am impressed. But, sadly I am not one of those lucky ones. There is everything from socks (maybe that's where they go...from the dryer to under the couch), to popsicle sticks, crumbs of many types, rubberbands, change, wrappers of many types, pencils, crayons, pens, paper clips, batteries, the battery cover for the remote and silverware.
2. Under the boys' bed. This is not fun. I have to wear gloves and a face mask. I have found some pretty interesting things under there. A block of cheese, for instance. With teeth marks in it. A knife. I am guessing they got the knife to cut the cheese, but decided that just biting into the cheese would be more efficient...as well as safer. I'm glad they've learned something! A jar of peanut butter with obvious finger dips. I have found very old used pull-ups. (This is why the face mask is a necessity.) Other non-identifiable food objects. BTW, I DO feed my children. Other objects I've found: the stapler (I've been looking for that), at least 2 pairs of scissors, a lot of paper with various drawings, pens, pencils, crayons, my mascara, (I've been looking for that too!), toothpaste, change, legos, socks, (another place they apparently hide), game pieces, game money, (no wonder we haven't been able to play a good game of Monopoly!), a lot of used tissue and books.
3. The car and the suburban. I keep a fairly clean house, (except for under furniture, apparently), but I'm not so good at keeping the car and the suburban clean. I don't give rides to friends because of this! Typically we have newspapers, baby toys, empty cups from fast food places and various other trash littering the floorboards.
4. Closets. I actually enjoy organizing closets. I'm more of an organizer than a cleaner. I might have a dirty stove top, but the game closet is organized. I might have soap scum in my shower, but my DVD's are in order.
5. Windows. I don't do windows. Any volunteers?
6. The carpet. In the past, we have both paid to have our carpet cleaned by a "professional" and John has cleaned it with a Rug Doctor that you can rent from the grocery store. The Rug Doctor does a better job. If the carpet in the tv room could talk...Wow! Anything you can imagine has been on that carpet, including: vomit, baby spit up, poop (baby and doggy), pee (baby and doggy), spilled drinks and spilled food.
7. Wiping down walls. This is what kids are for. They actually like doing this!
8. Cleaning out and organizing bathroom and kitchen cupboards. This isn't as fun as organizing a closet, but it is a close second. I recently got some new pots and pans for the kitchen, so I need to get rid of the old. For now, I just shove them all in the cupboard and slam the door closed. You always know when someone opens that cupboard, because you hear pots and pans clanking on the floor. As for the bathroom, I will gather all the hair accessories, go through my make up and throw out the old, organize the first-aid and clean out the closet. Why do I always find a book stashed there? Mark. We've made a rule for him only. NO pooping in the upstairs bathroom--poop and read downstairs!!!
9. Go through the kids' toys. This is an overwhelming task. How many McDonalds toys does a kid need? And why are there legos in the underwear drawer? I also take this opportunity to weed out the stuffed animals. They seem to multiply exponentially.
10. Clean the stroller. With warming weather, it is time to start going for walks. Winter time for me brings with it the winter blues. I am looking forward to being outside again! Hello spring! I love you!!
Cynthia
1. Under/behind the couches and in the cushions. Okay, we do this more than once a year, but definitely in the spring. If you are one of the lucky ones who moves your couch and finds clean floor, wow, I am impressed. But, sadly I am not one of those lucky ones. There is everything from socks (maybe that's where they go...from the dryer to under the couch), to popsicle sticks, crumbs of many types, rubberbands, change, wrappers of many types, pencils, crayons, pens, paper clips, batteries, the battery cover for the remote and silverware.
2. Under the boys' bed. This is not fun. I have to wear gloves and a face mask. I have found some pretty interesting things under there. A block of cheese, for instance. With teeth marks in it. A knife. I am guessing they got the knife to cut the cheese, but decided that just biting into the cheese would be more efficient...as well as safer. I'm glad they've learned something! A jar of peanut butter with obvious finger dips. I have found very old used pull-ups. (This is why the face mask is a necessity.) Other non-identifiable food objects. BTW, I DO feed my children. Other objects I've found: the stapler (I've been looking for that), at least 2 pairs of scissors, a lot of paper with various drawings, pens, pencils, crayons, my mascara, (I've been looking for that too!), toothpaste, change, legos, socks, (another place they apparently hide), game pieces, game money, (no wonder we haven't been able to play a good game of Monopoly!), a lot of used tissue and books.
3. The car and the suburban. I keep a fairly clean house, (except for under furniture, apparently), but I'm not so good at keeping the car and the suburban clean. I don't give rides to friends because of this! Typically we have newspapers, baby toys, empty cups from fast food places and various other trash littering the floorboards.
4. Closets. I actually enjoy organizing closets. I'm more of an organizer than a cleaner. I might have a dirty stove top, but the game closet is organized. I might have soap scum in my shower, but my DVD's are in order.
5. Windows. I don't do windows. Any volunteers?
6. The carpet. In the past, we have both paid to have our carpet cleaned by a "professional" and John has cleaned it with a Rug Doctor that you can rent from the grocery store. The Rug Doctor does a better job. If the carpet in the tv room could talk...Wow! Anything you can imagine has been on that carpet, including: vomit, baby spit up, poop (baby and doggy), pee (baby and doggy), spilled drinks and spilled food.
7. Wiping down walls. This is what kids are for. They actually like doing this!
8. Cleaning out and organizing bathroom and kitchen cupboards. This isn't as fun as organizing a closet, but it is a close second. I recently got some new pots and pans for the kitchen, so I need to get rid of the old. For now, I just shove them all in the cupboard and slam the door closed. You always know when someone opens that cupboard, because you hear pots and pans clanking on the floor. As for the bathroom, I will gather all the hair accessories, go through my make up and throw out the old, organize the first-aid and clean out the closet. Why do I always find a book stashed there? Mark. We've made a rule for him only. NO pooping in the upstairs bathroom--poop and read downstairs!!!
9. Go through the kids' toys. This is an overwhelming task. How many McDonalds toys does a kid need? And why are there legos in the underwear drawer? I also take this opportunity to weed out the stuffed animals. They seem to multiply exponentially.
10. Clean the stroller. With warming weather, it is time to start going for walks. Winter time for me brings with it the winter blues. I am looking forward to being outside again! Hello spring! I love you!!
Cynthia
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Pets
Well, if having 1 husband and 6 children is not enough, we have 4 pets. That's right, 4. We have a bunny, a cat, a dog and a mouse. We first got our bunny. His name is Scissors.
Back in September of 2008, Micah and I were going for a walk. When we were turning a corner he said, "Look Mom! There's a bunny!" I didn't believe him and said, "Oh, okay." He insisted. So, finally I looked, and there was a bunny there living in the culvert. I tried to catch him, but couldn't. And honestly, if I did, what would I have done with him? Strap him in the stroller with Micah?
Later that night, I drove past the same spot with my kids and the bunny was still there. Mark got out and caught him. Scissors peed on him right there in the car! Well, to make the story short, we kept the bunny and named him Scissors. We call him that for two reasons. One reason is because his ears go back and forth in a scissor motion and the second reason we discovered later. He chews everything! We would let him out to run around a lot in our tv room before we knew what he was doing. He chewed through our telephone cord, the vacuum cord, and the treadmill cord. It's a wonder he didn't get zapped and die! He also enjoys any kind of paper and clothes, too. Scissors' cage is in the basment where the dirty laundry lives. If a basket of clothes is near his cage and he can reach it, he will take a nibble. Mark has a couple of shirts with holes, as does John. I have some holes in my favorite workout pants! Darn bunny.
Scissors is a pretty low maintenance pet. Change his cage, feed him, water him, and take him outside. Now, catching him is another matter. Our backyard is pretty big and there are a lot of spots he can hide. It can be very tiring to catch him! It takes at least 2 people to round Scissors up.
Scissors also likes to fling poo. Isn't that nice? I'll go down in the basement and there's poo, flung on the floor. Good thing bunny poo looks like coco puffs and is pretty formed. Hee hee. Gross, nevertheless.
Next, we got our cat, Socks. Oh, Socks. We got him the day before Mark's birthday in May of 2009. I just couldn't pass him up. Outside of Walmart, there he was, being given away. Little did I know he would have a shoe fetish. If you're wondering about this, see an earlier post entitled "Socks and Shoes".
Socks is pretty nice...to me, John and Lincoln. Mark really knows how to get him riled up and hyper. (Thanks, Mark). He hides under the kitchen table and attacks little feet that wander by, minding their own business. (I'm referring to the cat here, not Mark).
Socks can never make up his mind whether he wants to be inside or out. I have to force him outside at times when he is especially amorous with a blanket we have, or John's work boots. Yuck. He likes to snuggle with me, too, which is sweet. But the other day, I was napping on the couch and I opened my eyes and THERE HE WAS, JUST STARING AT ME, INCHES FROM MY NOSE. It freaked me out.
The funny thing about Socks is that he is so calm around Lincoln. Whenever Lincoln cries, Socks comes running, seemingly curious about what is going on and how he can help. He usual does help! Lincoln loves Socks. He smiles and giggles when he sees him. He grabs his ear, or his tail or just a handful of fur and Socks does nothing. It is the sweetest thing.
Next we have Pluto. Pluto is our Beagle. This was my bright idea. Now, when I pictured us having a dog, it was very different from reality. I pictured the dog running carefree in the backyard, the kids running along side him, squealing. I imagined the kids playing fetch and teaching him how to sit and roll over. I imagined taking the dog for walks and taking him camping. This dog was to be a part of our family. Nowhere in my imagintion did I picture poop, and lots of it!
But, Pluto does poop. Did I mention that he poops a lot? When he was little, we had him inside. It was in October of 2009, so it wasn't cold out yet. So after maybe a week, he ended up outside. I can handle baby poo, but not doggy poo. I felt sorry for him, so John built him a home inside our detached garage and cut out a doggy door. Pluto also has his very own heater! So, he is now an outside dog, with luxury. But, he still poops. It is really gross. Thankfully Savannah cleans it up. She is such a good helper.
It is so ironic that the dog was my idea, but I don't really like him. He's sweet, but he smells...like dog. Also, he likes to lick. Okay, do you know where his tongue has been? I'm sorry, but I don't want his tongue to touch me. I don't mind patting his head, but as soon as I do, he flips on his back and wants me to rub his belly. Ewwww!!! I try to be nice and what does he do? He turns over and spreads his legs! John may have me convinced to get a female Beagle. I don't want another dog, but maybe if Pluto gets his jollies, I can pat his head without him taking it the wrong way!
Finally we have a *shutter* a mouse. Yuck. Ewwwww. I mean, really, what can I say? His name is Stormy and he is a rodent and he is gross. Savannah tried to get me to warm up to him, so she held him up over my lap so I could see how cute he is. And then he pooped in my lap. Not a good first impression. He is in a cage and he is in Savannah's room and that is where he shall remain all the days of his life if we are to live in the same house.
Pets are good, though. My kids have learned how to clean litter boxes, scoop poop in the backyard, and clean bunny and mouse cages. They feed and water the pets. They play with the pets, too. It has given them responsibility over another living thing. I admit, there have been times when it hasn't gone very smooth. I have to get after them to care for the animals. But they thoroughly enjoy these creatures that have become a part of our family! And Pluto is now trained to sit, stay, fetch and shake! It is so sweet. Maybe I like him after all...just a little.
Cynthia
Back in September of 2008, Micah and I were going for a walk. When we were turning a corner he said, "Look Mom! There's a bunny!" I didn't believe him and said, "Oh, okay." He insisted. So, finally I looked, and there was a bunny there living in the culvert. I tried to catch him, but couldn't. And honestly, if I did, what would I have done with him? Strap him in the stroller with Micah?
Later that night, I drove past the same spot with my kids and the bunny was still there. Mark got out and caught him. Scissors peed on him right there in the car! Well, to make the story short, we kept the bunny and named him Scissors. We call him that for two reasons. One reason is because his ears go back and forth in a scissor motion and the second reason we discovered later. He chews everything! We would let him out to run around a lot in our tv room before we knew what he was doing. He chewed through our telephone cord, the vacuum cord, and the treadmill cord. It's a wonder he didn't get zapped and die! He also enjoys any kind of paper and clothes, too. Scissors' cage is in the basment where the dirty laundry lives. If a basket of clothes is near his cage and he can reach it, he will take a nibble. Mark has a couple of shirts with holes, as does John. I have some holes in my favorite workout pants! Darn bunny.
Scissors is a pretty low maintenance pet. Change his cage, feed him, water him, and take him outside. Now, catching him is another matter. Our backyard is pretty big and there are a lot of spots he can hide. It can be very tiring to catch him! It takes at least 2 people to round Scissors up.
Scissors also likes to fling poo. Isn't that nice? I'll go down in the basement and there's poo, flung on the floor. Good thing bunny poo looks like coco puffs and is pretty formed. Hee hee. Gross, nevertheless.
Next, we got our cat, Socks. Oh, Socks. We got him the day before Mark's birthday in May of 2009. I just couldn't pass him up. Outside of Walmart, there he was, being given away. Little did I know he would have a shoe fetish. If you're wondering about this, see an earlier post entitled "Socks and Shoes".
Socks is pretty nice...to me, John and Lincoln. Mark really knows how to get him riled up and hyper. (Thanks, Mark). He hides under the kitchen table and attacks little feet that wander by, minding their own business. (I'm referring to the cat here, not Mark).
Socks can never make up his mind whether he wants to be inside or out. I have to force him outside at times when he is especially amorous with a blanket we have, or John's work boots. Yuck. He likes to snuggle with me, too, which is sweet. But the other day, I was napping on the couch and I opened my eyes and THERE HE WAS, JUST STARING AT ME, INCHES FROM MY NOSE. It freaked me out.
The funny thing about Socks is that he is so calm around Lincoln. Whenever Lincoln cries, Socks comes running, seemingly curious about what is going on and how he can help. He usual does help! Lincoln loves Socks. He smiles and giggles when he sees him. He grabs his ear, or his tail or just a handful of fur and Socks does nothing. It is the sweetest thing.
Next we have Pluto. Pluto is our Beagle. This was my bright idea. Now, when I pictured us having a dog, it was very different from reality. I pictured the dog running carefree in the backyard, the kids running along side him, squealing. I imagined the kids playing fetch and teaching him how to sit and roll over. I imagined taking the dog for walks and taking him camping. This dog was to be a part of our family. Nowhere in my imagintion did I picture poop, and lots of it!
But, Pluto does poop. Did I mention that he poops a lot? When he was little, we had him inside. It was in October of 2009, so it wasn't cold out yet. So after maybe a week, he ended up outside. I can handle baby poo, but not doggy poo. I felt sorry for him, so John built him a home inside our detached garage and cut out a doggy door. Pluto also has his very own heater! So, he is now an outside dog, with luxury. But, he still poops. It is really gross. Thankfully Savannah cleans it up. She is such a good helper.
It is so ironic that the dog was my idea, but I don't really like him. He's sweet, but he smells...like dog. Also, he likes to lick. Okay, do you know where his tongue has been? I'm sorry, but I don't want his tongue to touch me. I don't mind patting his head, but as soon as I do, he flips on his back and wants me to rub his belly. Ewwww!!! I try to be nice and what does he do? He turns over and spreads his legs! John may have me convinced to get a female Beagle. I don't want another dog, but maybe if Pluto gets his jollies, I can pat his head without him taking it the wrong way!
Finally we have a *shutter* a mouse. Yuck. Ewwwww. I mean, really, what can I say? His name is Stormy and he is a rodent and he is gross. Savannah tried to get me to warm up to him, so she held him up over my lap so I could see how cute he is. And then he pooped in my lap. Not a good first impression. He is in a cage and he is in Savannah's room and that is where he shall remain all the days of his life if we are to live in the same house.
Pets are good, though. My kids have learned how to clean litter boxes, scoop poop in the backyard, and clean bunny and mouse cages. They feed and water the pets. They play with the pets, too. It has given them responsibility over another living thing. I admit, there have been times when it hasn't gone very smooth. I have to get after them to care for the animals. But they thoroughly enjoy these creatures that have become a part of our family! And Pluto is now trained to sit, stay, fetch and shake! It is so sweet. Maybe I like him after all...just a little.
Cynthia
Friday, February 19, 2010
Things I Don't Like (Hate is such a harsh word.)
I really didn't want to have a negative post like this, but since I've had a crummy week and it's what I'm feeling...I shall cave in and be negative.
1. Drama. I will avoid it at all costs. The sky is not falling. Chill out.
2. Hypocrites. I am really struggling with going to church. It makes it more difficult to go when I read on facebook the comments made by leaders in my ward at church that are so anti-Christian. I am not perfect. But, when you are in a calling like that...you need to really be careful because people watch what you do and read what you write on FB! BTW, I am a hypocrite, for the record.
3. People that are upset with me, but don't tell me. They tell someone else, who tells me FOR them. Hello? Are we in grade school? If you have a problem with me, talk to me. I don't bite and I will have more respect for you if you do.
4. Women who wear fake fingernails and rat their hair in the back that makes a big BUMP. Maybe I'm not stylish, but I think the hair is weird. And how can you do anything (including wipe your butt), when you have fake nails?
5. Talkative cashiers. I have experienced this mainly at Walmart. Being friendly is nice. Say hello, ask if I found everything okay. But when you start telling me your life story or give me advice, I shut down. I can't handle it. I just want to pay for my stuff and leave, thank you.
6. Snobs. Enough said.
7. How fat I've gotten. I am working on this, but it is very hard. I keep telling myself that I need to take one step at a time. I didn't get fat overnight, I won't get skinny overnight either. On that same note, it is so annoying when skinny or normal sized people think they are fat. PA-lease!!! And when they say that in front of me--an obviously overweight person! Hello!?!?
8. People who dress for church like they're going to the beach (flip-flops) or going to a club (can you say T-R-A-M-P?). Seriously. Church is the one place I shouldn't have to worry about what I'm gonna see. (Cleavage, upper-thigh. Are you serious???)
9. Winter in Utah. I grew up in Southern California. It was pretty much 70 degrees year round. I miss it. I feel so depressed and BLAH from about November to April here. It really is a problem for me.
10. People who are always cheery and talk in a high-pitched happy voice. I'm not against being happy. I also understand using baby talk...I do it with Lincoln and I talked that way when my older kids were babies. But, I'm not a baby and those kind of voices are like nails on a chalk board. Sometimes the pitch is so high, I can barely hear it (which is nice).
Sorry if I offended anyone! Post a comment letting me know if you have an issue with anything I said, otherwise you will go in #3 on my "Things I Don't Like" list! Tee Hee...
Cynthia
1. Drama. I will avoid it at all costs. The sky is not falling. Chill out.
2. Hypocrites. I am really struggling with going to church. It makes it more difficult to go when I read on facebook the comments made by leaders in my ward at church that are so anti-Christian. I am not perfect. But, when you are in a calling like that...you need to really be careful because people watch what you do and read what you write on FB! BTW, I am a hypocrite, for the record.
3. People that are upset with me, but don't tell me. They tell someone else, who tells me FOR them. Hello? Are we in grade school? If you have a problem with me, talk to me. I don't bite and I will have more respect for you if you do.
4. Women who wear fake fingernails and rat their hair in the back that makes a big BUMP. Maybe I'm not stylish, but I think the hair is weird. And how can you do anything (including wipe your butt), when you have fake nails?
5. Talkative cashiers. I have experienced this mainly at Walmart. Being friendly is nice. Say hello, ask if I found everything okay. But when you start telling me your life story or give me advice, I shut down. I can't handle it. I just want to pay for my stuff and leave, thank you.
6. Snobs. Enough said.
7. How fat I've gotten. I am working on this, but it is very hard. I keep telling myself that I need to take one step at a time. I didn't get fat overnight, I won't get skinny overnight either. On that same note, it is so annoying when skinny or normal sized people think they are fat. PA-lease!!! And when they say that in front of me--an obviously overweight person! Hello!?!?
8. People who dress for church like they're going to the beach (flip-flops) or going to a club (can you say T-R-A-M-P?). Seriously. Church is the one place I shouldn't have to worry about what I'm gonna see. (Cleavage, upper-thigh. Are you serious???)
9. Winter in Utah. I grew up in Southern California. It was pretty much 70 degrees year round. I miss it. I feel so depressed and BLAH from about November to April here. It really is a problem for me.
10. People who are always cheery and talk in a high-pitched happy voice. I'm not against being happy. I also understand using baby talk...I do it with Lincoln and I talked that way when my older kids were babies. But, I'm not a baby and those kind of voices are like nails on a chalk board. Sometimes the pitch is so high, I can barely hear it (which is nice).
Sorry if I offended anyone! Post a comment letting me know if you have an issue with anything I said, otherwise you will go in #3 on my "Things I Don't Like" list! Tee Hee...
Cynthia
Monday, February 15, 2010
Step Two
Another installment on the Twelve Step Program I'm involved in through my church:
Step Two: HOPE
Key Principle: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
"If we turn to the Lord, there will be no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness."--Boyd K. Packer
Step one was fairly easy for me. I basically came to a point where I knew that the direction my life was headed was not a good one. I contemplated going to the meetings for probably a month. When I finally did go, I knew it was where I was supposed to be.
This second step is a tough one. So often, I feel like the tender mercies of the Lord are reserved for others, but for me? No way! I'm not rigtheous enough or good enough, etc. But, the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all. I know this, but maybe don't FEEL it right now. I have shut the Lord out of my life, and feel like I need to get my life in order before I can approach him again. Just typing that seems so silly. It doesn't make sense.
For so long, I have tried to overcome my weaknesses by myself, with sheer willpower. I know I need to replace that trust in myself (which clearly hasn't worked) with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.
This step is the first to have action steps. They are to pray and to read and ponder the scripturs. It's about simply becoming willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. It is to watch for evidence of Their love.
A scripture that was shared last week has really helped me. It is 2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things become new." I know that scripture is true and it says ANY man (or woman). That includes me! I have a small hope right now, but that's all that is needed, just a tiny bit. "If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27).
Now, if you look closely (or sometimes not too closesly), you can see dust in my house. I think about a particle of dust. It's pretty small! So, right now, with my faith and hope, that are the size of a particle of dust sitting right there on my blinds, if that is enough...I know I can do this! Let that desire work in me means that I hang on to my particle and then DO THE WORK, even if I'm not feeling it. Pray, even if I don't want to. Read the scriptures, even if I don't always understand. It's about taking the steps, little by little.
As far as my addiction to food goes, I've just tried to be AWARE. I'm not on a program or anything. I am asking myself if I'm really hungry. If I'm bored (which frankly seems like it'd be impossible in our house), then I play the piano, or organize a shelf. If I'm upset, I write my feelings down in my journal. If I'm tired, and it's feasible, I take a nap, or at least lie down and rest. I have a big problem with eating at night. So, I try to replace that habit with taking a bubble bath, or writing, or reading scriptures, or simply going to bed. It's about not sleepwalking anymore. I feel like I've been in a trance, just going through the motions of my life. And now, I'm finally waking up. It's good to be awake! "Awake and arouse your faculties." I think I may write a list of alternatives to eating and keep it posted on the fridge. There is nothing wrong with eating. It is when eating is "used" when you're not really hungry.
Cynthia
Step Two: HOPE
Key Principle: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
"If we turn to the Lord, there will be no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness."--Boyd K. Packer
Step one was fairly easy for me. I basically came to a point where I knew that the direction my life was headed was not a good one. I contemplated going to the meetings for probably a month. When I finally did go, I knew it was where I was supposed to be.
This second step is a tough one. So often, I feel like the tender mercies of the Lord are reserved for others, but for me? No way! I'm not rigtheous enough or good enough, etc. But, the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all. I know this, but maybe don't FEEL it right now. I have shut the Lord out of my life, and feel like I need to get my life in order before I can approach him again. Just typing that seems so silly. It doesn't make sense.
For so long, I have tried to overcome my weaknesses by myself, with sheer willpower. I know I need to replace that trust in myself (which clearly hasn't worked) with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.
This step is the first to have action steps. They are to pray and to read and ponder the scripturs. It's about simply becoming willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. It is to watch for evidence of Their love.
A scripture that was shared last week has really helped me. It is 2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things become new." I know that scripture is true and it says ANY man (or woman). That includes me! I have a small hope right now, but that's all that is needed, just a tiny bit. "If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27).
Now, if you look closely (or sometimes not too closesly), you can see dust in my house. I think about a particle of dust. It's pretty small! So, right now, with my faith and hope, that are the size of a particle of dust sitting right there on my blinds, if that is enough...I know I can do this! Let that desire work in me means that I hang on to my particle and then DO THE WORK, even if I'm not feeling it. Pray, even if I don't want to. Read the scriptures, even if I don't always understand. It's about taking the steps, little by little.
As far as my addiction to food goes, I've just tried to be AWARE. I'm not on a program or anything. I am asking myself if I'm really hungry. If I'm bored (which frankly seems like it'd be impossible in our house), then I play the piano, or organize a shelf. If I'm upset, I write my feelings down in my journal. If I'm tired, and it's feasible, I take a nap, or at least lie down and rest. I have a big problem with eating at night. So, I try to replace that habit with taking a bubble bath, or writing, or reading scriptures, or simply going to bed. It's about not sleepwalking anymore. I feel like I've been in a trance, just going through the motions of my life. And now, I'm finally waking up. It's good to be awake! "Awake and arouse your faculties." I think I may write a list of alternatives to eating and keep it posted on the fridge. There is nothing wrong with eating. It is when eating is "used" when you're not really hungry.
Cynthia
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Things I Love
1. John. He is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him so much. For Valentine's Day he got me a dozen tulips, as well as a dozen chocolate dipped strawberries. But, it's how he treats me every day of the year that makes me love him so much. He makes me laugh, he puts up with my whining, he is attracted to me (even in the morning when I look like death), he knows just what to say when I'm having a melt down, and he is such a good father. He is my best friend. I think we knew each other in heaven.
2. Mark. He is so creative. He is a good artist, as well as having a great imagination. There is nothing like seeing him be so loving and kind to his siblings. The most heart-warming is to see him love and cuddle with his 8 month old baby brother, Lincoln. He can be a big help. He is a good friend. He is a good friend to me, too! I love it when he likes to talk to me about everything and nothing at all.
3. Savannah. She is so affectionate with her younger siblings. She is such a big help to me. She is so creative. She writes stories and draws pictures. She is so funny. She can get me to laugh by making this really silly face. I like to spend time with her going shopping, or just hanging out.
4. Wynter. Wynter is so sweet to Lincoln. She is very smart and loves math. She is so good at gymnastics. Wynter likes to write stories. She loves to read books. She loves to climb and be outside on the trampoline.
5. Hunter. Hunter is such a sweet boy. He writes sweet notes to me that I put up on the wall by my bed. He also draws pictures for me. He is very quiet, but can also speak his mind (with his fists, just ask Micah). He has the most contagious laugh.
6. Micah. He is so energetic. I wish some of his energy would rub off on me. He just goes and goes and goes. He is so silly and says the funniest things. He loves to write and draw.
7. Lincoln. He is the easiest baby I've ever had! I think it's his personality as well as the fact that I have more experience. He is very mellow. He loves his family. He responds to all of us with a big, dimpled smile. He is such a joy!
8. The ability to choose. Sometimes I really have a hard time with depression, and I know that I don't choose that. But, I do have the ability to choose what I do, even if I can't always control how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and I keep trying to live my day right, only to feel like I've completely failed. So, I go to bed and hope the next day is better. I can choose not to yell, I can choose to uplift instead of criticize, I can smile instead of frown, I can keep moving instead of standing still. I can keep trying...
9. Humor. This is how I survive. Looking for the funny/happy/silly in life makes me realize how great life really is. Sometimes things just really suck. But, in spite of that, there is always, always something to laugh about. Sometimes I have to laugh just so that I don't cry.
10. Repentance. Life IS like "Groundhog Day." That is why we are here. We need to learn, to grow, to pick ourselves up when we fall, to say we're sorry, to try to improve. I am so glad that I can rewrite sentences, paragraphs, pages, and sometimes even chapters in my book of life. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, made it possible. I am so thankful to Him for that.
11. The ability to write and express my feelings. It is so nice to have a place that I can share my thoughts with others, as well as keep a record. It is very theraputic for me. I look forward to writing. I also love the comments I receive. It helps me to feel connected to my loved ones and friends whom I don't always get to see.
12. Love. Especially at this time...Valentine's Day! I love my husband and my kids. I love my extended family. I love my friends. I have realized that when I start to feel anger and contempt towards others (enmity), that I've got a big problem with pride. Pride separates us from others. Who wants that? Who wants to be alone and isolated? When we love others, that is when we can truly feel joy.
I just wanted to quickly tell what I gave John for Valentine's Day. I decided that I wanted him to have BYU pillowcases. I have learned that I can never, ever go wrong if I give John anything that has to do with BYU. About a month ago, I bought the material and I also bought new pillows. My plan was to go to my mom's and have her help me make the pillowcases for him. So, I let him know that I was headed to my mom's to make his Valentine's present. When I got there, my mom asked if she could just make them for me. I said sure. (I really, really don't like to sew).
I came clean and I told John that my mom was actually making the gift for him, for me. He said "Don't tell me that! I would've never known! You could've just let me think you made the gift." So, I told him, "OK, nevermind, I am making your Valentine's present. I'll just call my mom up and ask her if I'm done." Hee hee
Thanks Mom! He loved them!!
Happy Valentine's Day!!
2. Mark. He is so creative. He is a good artist, as well as having a great imagination. There is nothing like seeing him be so loving and kind to his siblings. The most heart-warming is to see him love and cuddle with his 8 month old baby brother, Lincoln. He can be a big help. He is a good friend. He is a good friend to me, too! I love it when he likes to talk to me about everything and nothing at all.
3. Savannah. She is so affectionate with her younger siblings. She is such a big help to me. She is so creative. She writes stories and draws pictures. She is so funny. She can get me to laugh by making this really silly face. I like to spend time with her going shopping, or just hanging out.
4. Wynter. Wynter is so sweet to Lincoln. She is very smart and loves math. She is so good at gymnastics. Wynter likes to write stories. She loves to read books. She loves to climb and be outside on the trampoline.
5. Hunter. Hunter is such a sweet boy. He writes sweet notes to me that I put up on the wall by my bed. He also draws pictures for me. He is very quiet, but can also speak his mind (with his fists, just ask Micah). He has the most contagious laugh.
6. Micah. He is so energetic. I wish some of his energy would rub off on me. He just goes and goes and goes. He is so silly and says the funniest things. He loves to write and draw.
7. Lincoln. He is the easiest baby I've ever had! I think it's his personality as well as the fact that I have more experience. He is very mellow. He loves his family. He responds to all of us with a big, dimpled smile. He is such a joy!
8. The ability to choose. Sometimes I really have a hard time with depression, and I know that I don't choose that. But, I do have the ability to choose what I do, even if I can't always control how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and I keep trying to live my day right, only to feel like I've completely failed. So, I go to bed and hope the next day is better. I can choose not to yell, I can choose to uplift instead of criticize, I can smile instead of frown, I can keep moving instead of standing still. I can keep trying...
9. Humor. This is how I survive. Looking for the funny/happy/silly in life makes me realize how great life really is. Sometimes things just really suck. But, in spite of that, there is always, always something to laugh about. Sometimes I have to laugh just so that I don't cry.
10. Repentance. Life IS like "Groundhog Day." That is why we are here. We need to learn, to grow, to pick ourselves up when we fall, to say we're sorry, to try to improve. I am so glad that I can rewrite sentences, paragraphs, pages, and sometimes even chapters in my book of life. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, made it possible. I am so thankful to Him for that.
11. The ability to write and express my feelings. It is so nice to have a place that I can share my thoughts with others, as well as keep a record. It is very theraputic for me. I look forward to writing. I also love the comments I receive. It helps me to feel connected to my loved ones and friends whom I don't always get to see.
12. Love. Especially at this time...Valentine's Day! I love my husband and my kids. I love my extended family. I love my friends. I have realized that when I start to feel anger and contempt towards others (enmity), that I've got a big problem with pride. Pride separates us from others. Who wants that? Who wants to be alone and isolated? When we love others, that is when we can truly feel joy.
I just wanted to quickly tell what I gave John for Valentine's Day. I decided that I wanted him to have BYU pillowcases. I have learned that I can never, ever go wrong if I give John anything that has to do with BYU. About a month ago, I bought the material and I also bought new pillows. My plan was to go to my mom's and have her help me make the pillowcases for him. So, I let him know that I was headed to my mom's to make his Valentine's present. When I got there, my mom asked if she could just make them for me. I said sure. (I really, really don't like to sew).
I came clean and I told John that my mom was actually making the gift for him, for me. He said "Don't tell me that! I would've never known! You could've just let me think you made the gift." So, I told him, "OK, nevermind, I am making your Valentine's present. I'll just call my mom up and ask her if I'm done." Hee hee
Thanks Mom! He loved them!!
Happy Valentine's Day!!
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