Twelve Steps

It's been quite a week, and it's not even over yet! Monday went a bit better because I did prepare on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I went, for the first time, to an Addiction Recovery meeting that is offered through the church that I attend. It is based on the 12 step program that was designed for Alchoholics Anonymous, but with the gospel teachings incorporated into it. I am addicted to food. I am a compulsive eater. I think this 12 step program will really help me, and not just with my food problem.

Step #1 is HONESTY. Key principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Wow. I have been struggling for many years with numbing my feelings with food. But, since my father committed suicide this past August, I have completely lost control. I have gained 30 lbs since he died. It has been a blessing, in a way, because I have been living for so long in denial. Overeating isn't a sin, is it? We certainly don't talk about it like it is. I remember that about 4 years ago, during general conference, a talk was given. The sister talked about how her mother had made these huge cinnamon rolls and she'd eaten 3 of them. That night, when asked to give the family prayer, she declined because she had eaten the 3 cinnamon rolls and didn't have the spirit with her. This stunned me! I could eat that and not even think twice about it. The talk almost made me mad.

Denial is an interesting thing. I went to the meeting on Monday, and was in tears for nearly the entire time. The things that others were saying, were things that I was feeling. I knew that I needed to be at that meeting. I'm ready to change. It's not about food for me. It is about NOT turning to the Lord when I need help. It is about turning away from him and thinking that I can solve my problems on my own. The way I feel is a paradox. On the one hand, I don't turn to him because I think I can handle it on my own. On the other hand, I don't turn to him because I feel UNWORTHY of His help.

I love this quote by Elder Russell M. Nelson: "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I know that over the years, this has happened to me. The first time I truly overindulged, I didn't feel good about it, physically or spiritually. But, over time, I don't really feel anything. I just know that I am out of control and that I've gained a lot of weight. I've become depressed and withdrawn. I don't feel like myself anymore. One of the biggest signs, though is that I "found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. I plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating myself from others, especially from God."--Addiction Recovery Program.

I'm realizing that I can't do anything without my Savior's help. I had fooled myself into thinking that I could. After my Dad died, I felt so mad at him, and then mad at God for letting it happen. I also felt anger towards myself, because I have thought that maybe if I would've called him that week, like I felt I should, he'd still be here. Maybe I could have said something or done something that would've have changed the path that my Dad decided to take. I felt rebellious after he died. I didn't want to go to church anymore. I stopped praying. I didn't want to be with my friends. There would be a day here or there that I would fake it and spend time with friends or see my family. But on most days, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I was sleep walking in my life. I was doing the bare minimum.

To be honest, I still feel that way most days. It is a process. Everything won't be better overnight. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I am so glad that I have my husband and children that brighten my dark days. I know that my struggle affects them, and I really hate that. But, hopefully they can learn from my experience, where they should turn for peace.

I don't share this for sympathy. I share it because it is the biggest part of my life right now, and I feel like I'm lying by not giving it a voice, or putting it in print, in this case. I am glad I am doing this blog. It is helping me to look for the good. I do notice more now, how truly funny and happy my life is because of my kids and my husband, and really, because of my Savior. I believe the Savior has a sense of humor!

Each week, I will share the next step of the 12. This is a great program! Thank you, thank you to my friend Lindsay for suggesting it to me. A lot of times, it is through our friends or family that the Lord helps us.

"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11-12).

Cynthia