1. John. He is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him so much. For Valentine's Day he got me a dozen tulips, as well as a dozen chocolate dipped strawberries. But, it's how he treats me every day of the year that makes me love him so much. He makes me laugh, he puts up with my whining, he is attracted to me (even in the morning when I look like death), he knows just what to say when I'm having a melt down, and he is such a good father. He is my best friend. I think we knew each other in heaven.
2. Mark. He is so creative. He is a good artist, as well as having a great imagination. There is nothing like seeing him be so loving and kind to his siblings. The most heart-warming is to see him love and cuddle with his 8 month old baby brother, Lincoln. He can be a big help. He is a good friend. He is a good friend to me, too! I love it when he likes to talk to me about everything and nothing at all.
3. Savannah. She is so affectionate with her younger siblings. She is such a big help to me. She is so creative. She writes stories and draws pictures. She is so funny. She can get me to laugh by making this really silly face. I like to spend time with her going shopping, or just hanging out.
4. Wynter. Wynter is so sweet to Lincoln. She is very smart and loves math. She is so good at gymnastics. Wynter likes to write stories. She loves to read books. She loves to climb and be outside on the trampoline.
5. Hunter. Hunter is such a sweet boy. He writes sweet notes to me that I put up on the wall by my bed. He also draws pictures for me. He is very quiet, but can also speak his mind (with his fists, just ask Micah). He has the most contagious laugh.
6. Micah. He is so energetic. I wish some of his energy would rub off on me. He just goes and goes and goes. He is so silly and says the funniest things. He loves to write and draw.
7. Lincoln. He is the easiest baby I've ever had! I think it's his personality as well as the fact that I have more experience. He is very mellow. He loves his family. He responds to all of us with a big, dimpled smile. He is such a joy!
8. The ability to choose. Sometimes I really have a hard time with depression, and I know that I don't choose that. But, I do have the ability to choose what I do, even if I can't always control how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the movie "Groundhog Day" and I keep trying to live my day right, only to feel like I've completely failed. So, I go to bed and hope the next day is better. I can choose not to yell, I can choose to uplift instead of criticize, I can smile instead of frown, I can keep moving instead of standing still. I can keep trying...
9. Humor. This is how I survive. Looking for the funny/happy/silly in life makes me realize how great life really is. Sometimes things just really suck. But, in spite of that, there is always, always something to laugh about. Sometimes I have to laugh just so that I don't cry.
10. Repentance. Life IS like "Groundhog Day." That is why we are here. We need to learn, to grow, to pick ourselves up when we fall, to say we're sorry, to try to improve. I am so glad that I can rewrite sentences, paragraphs, pages, and sometimes even chapters in my book of life. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, made it possible. I am so thankful to Him for that.
11. The ability to write and express my feelings. It is so nice to have a place that I can share my thoughts with others, as well as keep a record. It is very theraputic for me. I look forward to writing. I also love the comments I receive. It helps me to feel connected to my loved ones and friends whom I don't always get to see.
12. Love. Especially at this time...Valentine's Day! I love my husband and my kids. I love my extended family. I love my friends. I have realized that when I start to feel anger and contempt towards others (enmity), that I've got a big problem with pride. Pride separates us from others. Who wants that? Who wants to be alone and isolated? When we love others, that is when we can truly feel joy.
I just wanted to quickly tell what I gave John for Valentine's Day. I decided that I wanted him to have BYU pillowcases. I have learned that I can never, ever go wrong if I give John anything that has to do with BYU. About a month ago, I bought the material and I also bought new pillows. My plan was to go to my mom's and have her help me make the pillowcases for him. So, I let him know that I was headed to my mom's to make his Valentine's present. When I got there, my mom asked if she could just make them for me. I said sure. (I really, really don't like to sew).
I came clean and I told John that my mom was actually making the gift for him, for me. He said "Don't tell me that! I would've never known! You could've just let me think you made the gift." So, I told him, "OK, nevermind, I am making your Valentine's present. I'll just call my mom up and ask her if I'm done." Hee hee
Thanks Mom! He loved them!!
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Twelve Steps
It's been quite a week, and it's not even over yet! Monday went a bit better because I did prepare on Saturday and Sunday. On Monday I went, for the first time, to an Addiction Recovery meeting that is offered through the church that I attend. It is based on the 12 step program that was designed for Alchoholics Anonymous, but with the gospel teachings incorporated into it. I am addicted to food. I am a compulsive eater. I think this 12 step program will really help me, and not just with my food problem.
Step #1 is HONESTY. Key principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Wow. I have been struggling for many years with numbing my feelings with food. But, since my father committed suicide this past August, I have completely lost control. I have gained 30 lbs since he died. It has been a blessing, in a way, because I have been living for so long in denial. Overeating isn't a sin, is it? We certainly don't talk about it like it is. I remember that about 4 years ago, during general conference, a talk was given. The sister talked about how her mother had made these huge cinnamon rolls and she'd eaten 3 of them. That night, when asked to give the family prayer, she declined because she had eaten the 3 cinnamon rolls and didn't have the spirit with her. This stunned me! I could eat that and not even think twice about it. The talk almost made me mad.
Denial is an interesting thing. I went to the meeting on Monday, and was in tears for nearly the entire time. The things that others were saying, were things that I was feeling. I knew that I needed to be at that meeting. I'm ready to change. It's not about food for me. It is about NOT turning to the Lord when I need help. It is about turning away from him and thinking that I can solve my problems on my own. The way I feel is a paradox. On the one hand, I don't turn to him because I think I can handle it on my own. On the other hand, I don't turn to him because I feel UNWORTHY of His help.
I love this quote by Elder Russell M. Nelson: "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I know that over the years, this has happened to me. The first time I truly overindulged, I didn't feel good about it, physically or spiritually. But, over time, I don't really feel anything. I just know that I am out of control and that I've gained a lot of weight. I've become depressed and withdrawn. I don't feel like myself anymore. One of the biggest signs, though is that I "found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. I plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating myself from others, especially from God."--Addiction Recovery Program.
I'm realizing that I can't do anything without my Savior's help. I had fooled myself into thinking that I could. After my Dad died, I felt so mad at him, and then mad at God for letting it happen. I also felt anger towards myself, because I have thought that maybe if I would've called him that week, like I felt I should, he'd still be here. Maybe I could have said something or done something that would've have changed the path that my Dad decided to take. I felt rebellious after he died. I didn't want to go to church anymore. I stopped praying. I didn't want to be with my friends. There would be a day here or there that I would fake it and spend time with friends or see my family. But on most days, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I was sleep walking in my life. I was doing the bare minimum.
To be honest, I still feel that way most days. It is a process. Everything won't be better overnight. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I am so glad that I have my husband and children that brighten my dark days. I know that my struggle affects them, and I really hate that. But, hopefully they can learn from my experience, where they should turn for peace.
I don't share this for sympathy. I share it because it is the biggest part of my life right now, and I feel like I'm lying by not giving it a voice, or putting it in print, in this case. I am glad I am doing this blog. It is helping me to look for the good. I do notice more now, how truly funny and happy my life is because of my kids and my husband, and really, because of my Savior. I believe the Savior has a sense of humor!
Each week, I will share the next step of the 12. This is a great program! Thank you, thank you to my friend Lindsay for suggesting it to me. A lot of times, it is through our friends or family that the Lord helps us.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11-12).
Cynthia
Step #1 is HONESTY. Key principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Wow. I have been struggling for many years with numbing my feelings with food. But, since my father committed suicide this past August, I have completely lost control. I have gained 30 lbs since he died. It has been a blessing, in a way, because I have been living for so long in denial. Overeating isn't a sin, is it? We certainly don't talk about it like it is. I remember that about 4 years ago, during general conference, a talk was given. The sister talked about how her mother had made these huge cinnamon rolls and she'd eaten 3 of them. That night, when asked to give the family prayer, she declined because she had eaten the 3 cinnamon rolls and didn't have the spirit with her. This stunned me! I could eat that and not even think twice about it. The talk almost made me mad.
Denial is an interesting thing. I went to the meeting on Monday, and was in tears for nearly the entire time. The things that others were saying, were things that I was feeling. I knew that I needed to be at that meeting. I'm ready to change. It's not about food for me. It is about NOT turning to the Lord when I need help. It is about turning away from him and thinking that I can solve my problems on my own. The way I feel is a paradox. On the one hand, I don't turn to him because I think I can handle it on my own. On the other hand, I don't turn to him because I feel UNWORTHY of His help.
I love this quote by Elder Russell M. Nelson: "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." I know that over the years, this has happened to me. The first time I truly overindulged, I didn't feel good about it, physically or spiritually. But, over time, I don't really feel anything. I just know that I am out of control and that I've gained a lot of weight. I've become depressed and withdrawn. I don't feel like myself anymore. One of the biggest signs, though is that I "found fault with family, friends, Church leaders, and even God. I plunged into greater and greater isolation, separating myself from others, especially from God."--Addiction Recovery Program.
I'm realizing that I can't do anything without my Savior's help. I had fooled myself into thinking that I could. After my Dad died, I felt so mad at him, and then mad at God for letting it happen. I also felt anger towards myself, because I have thought that maybe if I would've called him that week, like I felt I should, he'd still be here. Maybe I could have said something or done something that would've have changed the path that my Dad decided to take. I felt rebellious after he died. I didn't want to go to church anymore. I stopped praying. I didn't want to be with my friends. There would be a day here or there that I would fake it and spend time with friends or see my family. But on most days, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I was sleep walking in my life. I was doing the bare minimum.
To be honest, I still feel that way most days. It is a process. Everything won't be better overnight. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I am so glad that I have my husband and children that brighten my dark days. I know that my struggle affects them, and I really hate that. But, hopefully they can learn from my experience, where they should turn for peace.
I don't share this for sympathy. I share it because it is the biggest part of my life right now, and I feel like I'm lying by not giving it a voice, or putting it in print, in this case. I am glad I am doing this blog. It is helping me to look for the good. I do notice more now, how truly funny and happy my life is because of my kids and my husband, and really, because of my Savior. I believe the Savior has a sense of humor!
Each week, I will share the next step of the 12. This is a great program! Thank you, thank you to my friend Lindsay for suggesting it to me. A lot of times, it is through our friends or family that the Lord helps us.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11-12).
Cynthia
Monday, February 8, 2010
Signs That I'm Not as Young or as Hip as I Used to Be!
It all began about 5 years ago...
#1-I FORGET THINGS. When Hunter was 2 years old, I was at a friends house having a "playdate," (the kids play and the moms talk--it's really for the moms, though). We were chatting and watching our kids. Mark and Savannah were in school, so I just had Wynter and Hunter. We were in the backyard watching the kids jump on the trampoline, play with a rubber ball, dig in the sandbox, etc. Then I started to panic. I couldn't see Hunter anywhere! "I can't see Hunter!" I exclaimed. My friend looked at me, and in the sweetest voice said, "He's on your lap."
Another example: A couple of weeks ago, I mailed our car payment. As I was balancing our checkbook, and comparing it with the bank statement, I noticed we had some extra money. We didn't really, it's just the car payment check hadn't cleared. I called the bank to make sure and then called our auto lender. They hadn't received the check. I was baffled. I knew I had mailed it! Well, I went ahead and made a payment online instead and just hoped that the check I sent for the car payment hadn't fallen into the wrong hands. Today I got a letter from our lender. Enclosed was the check I had written. I had dated it, put the lender's name on it and even signed it! I didn't, however, write the amount. That explains everything. (sigh)
#2-I AM BEHIND IN TECHNOLOGY. A couple of years ago, I went to Walmart. I am a huge music fan and I wanted to get some music. I searched and searched and just could not find what I was looking for. So, I found an employee and asked, "Where can I find the cassette tapes?" He said, "Right over here." He took me to an aisle where there were blank tapes. "No, no," I said, "I don't want blank tapes. I want tapes that have music on them." He looked confused, and then said, "Uh, we don't sell those anymore, we only sell CD's." (Really?! Since when?! sigh)
Another example: My kids know more about computers than I do. Even Micah does and he is 5 years old. But, in my defense, we haven't had a working computer for several years. Computers, MP3 players, even my cell phone intimidates me. Mark was trying to help me when we got our new computer and I just kept saying (or yelling), "Leave me alone, I don't want to learn! I don't want to learn!"
#3- I AM GROWING HAIR WHERE ONLY MEN SHOULD. I remember when I was a teenager, my friend's mom had hair growing on her chin. From a distance, you didn't notice it, but up close, yikes! I specifically remember thinking how gross it was. Well, guess what? I have hair on my chin. I decided to get rid of it and bought some Nair for the face. As I was applying the Nair, and looking closely at my face in the mirror, I noticed more and more hair. I kept applying the Nair wherever I saw unwanted hair. I then took a step back from the mirror and was horrified as I realized that I looked like a man wearing shaving cream, about to shave off his beard and mustache! I had Nair on my chin, up my cheeks and under my nose! (sigh, again)
#4- My OLDEST CHILD IS EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH ME (MOST TIMES). Mark needed to fix his schedule for this term and I also needed to talk to his school counselor about other things. Mark and I were going to meet with the counselor after school. Mark said he'd walk home and then we could go. Later that day, I thought about it and decided it would be a better idea, as well as more time efficient, if I just went over to the school and met Mark there instead of having him walk all the way home first. So, after school, I drove over. Mark was horrified. "I thought I told you I'd walk home first, and then we'd come over!" he said. I finally put two and two together and asked him if he was embarrassed of me. He said, "No, well, yes." "Which one is it?!" I asked. "Well, I'm not embarrassed OF you, I'm just embarrassed to be SEEN with you!" Wow, that clarification made me feel so much better. (BIG sigh)
#5- I SAY THE THINGS I SWORE I'D NEVER SAY. Okay, I don't say things like, "When I was your age, I walked uphill to school and back." But I do find myself saying things like, "When I was your age, there were no such thing as a cell phone!" Mark and Savannah think it is hilarious that I used to listen to cassette tapes, have a video camera that was the size of a shoebox, that I used to play Atari, that instead of e-mail, I actually had pen-pals and that we had to look up books using a card catalog, instead of a catalog on the computer.
#6- I HAVE TO COLOR MY HAIR EVERY SIX WEEKS. These little guys keep sprouting. I can't stop it! As with each new child, my love multiplies and so does my gray hair.
(Sob)
Cynthia
#1-I FORGET THINGS. When Hunter was 2 years old, I was at a friends house having a "playdate," (the kids play and the moms talk--it's really for the moms, though). We were chatting and watching our kids. Mark and Savannah were in school, so I just had Wynter and Hunter. We were in the backyard watching the kids jump on the trampoline, play with a rubber ball, dig in the sandbox, etc. Then I started to panic. I couldn't see Hunter anywhere! "I can't see Hunter!" I exclaimed. My friend looked at me, and in the sweetest voice said, "He's on your lap."
Another example: A couple of weeks ago, I mailed our car payment. As I was balancing our checkbook, and comparing it with the bank statement, I noticed we had some extra money. We didn't really, it's just the car payment check hadn't cleared. I called the bank to make sure and then called our auto lender. They hadn't received the check. I was baffled. I knew I had mailed it! Well, I went ahead and made a payment online instead and just hoped that the check I sent for the car payment hadn't fallen into the wrong hands. Today I got a letter from our lender. Enclosed was the check I had written. I had dated it, put the lender's name on it and even signed it! I didn't, however, write the amount. That explains everything. (sigh)
#2-I AM BEHIND IN TECHNOLOGY. A couple of years ago, I went to Walmart. I am a huge music fan and I wanted to get some music. I searched and searched and just could not find what I was looking for. So, I found an employee and asked, "Where can I find the cassette tapes?" He said, "Right over here." He took me to an aisle where there were blank tapes. "No, no," I said, "I don't want blank tapes. I want tapes that have music on them." He looked confused, and then said, "Uh, we don't sell those anymore, we only sell CD's." (Really?! Since when?! sigh)
Another example: My kids know more about computers than I do. Even Micah does and he is 5 years old. But, in my defense, we haven't had a working computer for several years. Computers, MP3 players, even my cell phone intimidates me. Mark was trying to help me when we got our new computer and I just kept saying (or yelling), "Leave me alone, I don't want to learn! I don't want to learn!"
#3- I AM GROWING HAIR WHERE ONLY MEN SHOULD. I remember when I was a teenager, my friend's mom had hair growing on her chin. From a distance, you didn't notice it, but up close, yikes! I specifically remember thinking how gross it was. Well, guess what? I have hair on my chin. I decided to get rid of it and bought some Nair for the face. As I was applying the Nair, and looking closely at my face in the mirror, I noticed more and more hair. I kept applying the Nair wherever I saw unwanted hair. I then took a step back from the mirror and was horrified as I realized that I looked like a man wearing shaving cream, about to shave off his beard and mustache! I had Nair on my chin, up my cheeks and under my nose! (sigh, again)
#4- My OLDEST CHILD IS EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH ME (MOST TIMES). Mark needed to fix his schedule for this term and I also needed to talk to his school counselor about other things. Mark and I were going to meet with the counselor after school. Mark said he'd walk home and then we could go. Later that day, I thought about it and decided it would be a better idea, as well as more time efficient, if I just went over to the school and met Mark there instead of having him walk all the way home first. So, after school, I drove over. Mark was horrified. "I thought I told you I'd walk home first, and then we'd come over!" he said. I finally put two and two together and asked him if he was embarrassed of me. He said, "No, well, yes." "Which one is it?!" I asked. "Well, I'm not embarrassed OF you, I'm just embarrassed to be SEEN with you!" Wow, that clarification made me feel so much better. (BIG sigh)
#5- I SAY THE THINGS I SWORE I'D NEVER SAY. Okay, I don't say things like, "When I was your age, I walked uphill to school and back." But I do find myself saying things like, "When I was your age, there were no such thing as a cell phone!" Mark and Savannah think it is hilarious that I used to listen to cassette tapes, have a video camera that was the size of a shoebox, that I used to play Atari, that instead of e-mail, I actually had pen-pals and that we had to look up books using a card catalog, instead of a catalog on the computer.
#6- I HAVE TO COLOR MY HAIR EVERY SIX WEEKS. These little guys keep sprouting. I can't stop it! As with each new child, my love multiplies and so does my gray hair.
(Sob)
Cynthia
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