Come What May and Love It

To borrow a quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come what may, and love it." This is tough to live by, especially for people like me who have 2 particular short-comings (among many others). One is that I like to know what is going to happen. Happy surprises, I like, but the scary/unknown, I don't. We are in a state of limbo right now, wondering how things are possibly going to improve and it is mentally draining. Because a side-effect of wanting to know what is going to happen is WORRY. Constant worrying.

My second short-coming is that I like to have control. My Mom has told me that when I was a baby and she'd try to rock me, I wouldn't just lie back, relax and let her do the rocking. I would rock my own body, trying to force my mom to rock the speed I wanted. Well, I'm still much like that today. I know what we need and I try with all my might to make it happen. It is so hard to RELAX and TRUST in my Heavenly Father, that he knows and sees all and that He knows what is best for me and my family. It is definitely the refiners fire. But, there are days that I can feel myself being "refined", and days that I get pretty angry and I'm pretty gritty and rough.

Last night, I reached a breaking point. The 3 youngest boys were in the tub and I asked for someone to bring me some towels. Mark brought me one, because that was all he could find. I told him that there were clean towels still in the dryer. Well, they were clean, but still wet. We've been having troubles with the dryer uh, drying. I usually have to add more time once the first dry cycle is done. It can take 90 minutes or more to dry a load. So, believe it or not, THIS pushed me over the edge. I felt so angry about those darn towels, and the venom spread and it spread quickly.

I then became mad about pretty much EVERYTHING: all of our broken or poorly working appliances; the never-ending work I do around the house; boys not being able to aim directly into the toilet; the piles of bills that we can't pay; children who fight.all.the.time; broken sprinklers-and therefore, dying patches of grass; Mark's partially done room; leaks in the basement; piles of stuff accumulating for the yard-sale; a biting baby; and the list goes on.

I went to bed angry. I woke up angry today. Then I decided to do what I DO have control over and that is pray and search the scriptures. After I did so, I was reminded of the talk by Elder Wirthlin, and read it again. He counsels those of us (and isn't it really all of us at one time or another?) who are struggling with adversity, 4 things.

One, learn to laugh. I am getting better at this one. But, usually the humor shows up AFTER the fact, not during. But, when my kids are misbehaving, or I'm overwhelmed, I break out into song and try to make it silly. It almost always works to get the kids to behave, because they take their focus off of one another and shift it to me, and wonder why Mom has gone crazy...again.

Two, seek for the eternal. When we realize/remember that our Savior has suffered through every kind of affliction on behalf of all of us, we know that we can turn to Him for comfort, because He knows how to comfort us. He has experienced our pain. When we keep the eternal perspective that "the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to all of us", it can help us realize that we're not being picked on. Everyone experiences hardships. And if we can remember that our experience is just a brief time, compared with eternity, and is a test...to teach us and help us grow and learn, we can avoid feeling like all hope is lost.

Three, remember the principle of compensation. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I heard this talk literally 1 week before discovering that I was pregnant AGAIN. I had lost a baby a few months before and was pregnant with Lincoln. When I found out my exciting news, that we were expecting, I remembered Elder Wirthlin's talk and I was overwhelmed because I had the personal experience to know that what he said was true.

And finally, four, trust in the Father and the Son. "God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten Son. The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in."

"He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong."

I know that these things are true, and yet I have moments like last night, where I have "spiritual amnesia". But, thankfully, somehow I am always reminded of the truth and I get myself back on track. I know that things will work out how they should, and once this particular trial is all over, I will look back and see all that I have learned and all that I have become because of this hardship.

*All quotes are from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's conference address Oct 2008.

Here's To a Better August

If you've ever seen the movie "Where The Heart Is", or read the book, you know that the main character, Novalee, is superstitious about the number 5. Well folks, I am a bit superstitious about the month of August.

August 1995: My ex-husband filed for divorce.

August 1999: Due to some personal problems, I had to withdraw from BYU and quickly move off campus.

August of 2002: Wynter broke her femur either jumping or falling off of the top bunk of a bunk bed. She was 18 months old. I was 38 weeks pregnant with Hunter at the time.

August 2005: Due to unforseen circumstances, we had to move abruptly.

August 2008: I had a miscarriage.

August 2009: Mark got into some trouble (big trouble). My Dad committed suicide.

But, when I look on the "bright side", I can see that a lot of these bad things resulted in a wonderful blessing.

1. I no longer am married to someone who was not right for me and ended up with John, who is my soul mate.
2. In August of 2002, I gave birth to Hunter, who was my sweetest, easiest baby. Although it was a trial to have Wynter in a body cast AND a brand new baby, it was also a time that I learned a few lessons about what is really important in my life.
3. Although having a miscarriage was very sad and difficult, I now can show empathy to others who may go through the same thing and I ended up getting pregnant with Lincoln soon after and had a very easy, uncomplicated pregnancy.
4. Although the trouble Mark got into was not good, I think he learned a lesson or two, as did I.
5. My father's suicide will always haunt me. But I find comfort in the belief that I have that he is in a better place and he is no longer sick (mentally and physically).

With all that said, however, I really hope that August goes by without a hitch (other than the typical stress/difficulties that come with raising a family and such). I'm hoping my yard-sale nightmare will be over, along with a very de-cluttered home. School will be back in session 3 weeks from today. (Yeah and boo!) We'll get back into a routine. And best of all, Hunter will be turning 8 and will be baptized.

Here's to a better August!