I'm Just Rambling Today...

Disclaimer: This post is purely my opinion. I am not advising anyone to do anything. I am simply writing about how I'm feeling and some of the thoughts that have come to me. Please do not take offense if anything I've written seems judgemental of your circumstances. Read at your own risk!! (LOL) It's also very long, you may want to go to the bathroom first...

Due to the present circumstances, I've had to take a closer look at my life and I've realized that I need to make changes. Finances are tight, but when I scurry about trying to find a job, I believe it shows my lack of faith in my Heavenly Father, as well as a lack of faith in John. I know that Heavenly Father's plan is for husbands to provide and wives to care for their children. So, I need to trust in Him and John. I think I undermine John and it shows lack of confidence in him when I try to fix those things that aren't mine to fix.

I've also realized what IS in my realm of control. That is, HOW and HOW MUCH money is spent. If being at home with my kids is the goal, then it makes how I spend money rather easy. It is time to cancel cable again, and perhaps the internet. (Although John checks on the workforce services website daily for job leads.) It's time to forego the little things that add up, such as diet Coke and renting movies. But I'm actually really okay with it. Nothing is more important to me than raising my own kids.

Today, Mark was asking for a cell phone. Honestly, it irks me that his friends have cell phones because then he believes he needs one. So, I was very frank with him. I told him that I could go get a job so that he could have "stuff", but that I prefer being at home with him and his siblings. He apologized and told me he loved me. (Priceless.)

We definitely live in the time of "me." I've been sucked into the false ideas of these times. Supposedly, women can "have it all." I say, "I don't think so." It's about choices. I choose to be a mom. There was a time, when I was a single mom, that I had to work and attend school. I feel like, because those circumstances weren't under my control, Heavenly Father helped me out and Mark and Savannah came through that time alright. But now that I've got a helpmeet, things have changed. When my kids are grown up and gone, things will change again.

I've realized that although I am a great multi-tasker when it comes to piggy-backing household chores, I am not so good at it when it comes to more important things in life. I have decided that instead of doing things all at once, I have to do them one at a time. For example, I am no good at working and raising kids. Nor am I any good at attending school and raising kids. One or the other suffers. Since being remarried, I have attempted working a couple of times and attempted going back to school 3 or 4 times. But each time, my kids paid the price of having less of me, and when they got me, I was very stressed. More power to moms out there who can do more than one thing, but I can't. My kids suffer too much, and it's not okay with me. School can wait. I can go to school anytime, and I'm okay with that. Raising my kids is NOW, it can't wait. This is their time.

My husband is such a good example of not living his life for himself. If he were to have the job of his dreams, he wouldn't be able to support us, but he'd be having the time of his life. He works in a field that is not his first choice. The job is a means to an end. He doesn't live for his job, he lives for us. Where does it say that we have to have a job that we love? My husband is responsible. He goes to work so that he can take care of us. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having a job you love, but it absolutely is not necessary.

For me, my life is about my family. It is about hard work. I think that I got pretty comfortable and careless. I began to buy into the notion that having things would make me happy. I would gladly give up any and all material possessions to be home with my kids. The situation that we are in isn't entirely our fault, but certainly, I can take a good look and see where our responsibility lies.

I guess, in a way, that I am glad for this hard time. It has most definitely given me perspective. It makes me realize how much I need to simplify my life. We are having a big yard sale soon, not only to earn some much needed money, but to get rid of excess. More is not better. Eliminating cable will be welcomed by me. We've gone through periods without it during our marriage and, looking back, I can see that those times were much better times. It is a distraction.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. We talked about distractions. It really got me thinking. I think that one of the best tools Satan has for destroying individuals and the family is getting them to be distracted. There is television, the internet, iphones and ipads, clothing fads, food trends, magazines, books, music, activities, and more, that can take so much of our time and devotion, that we don't have time for the BEST things to fit into our lives. This is so true in the case of my family. We read scriptures together tonight for the first time in months and I knew that what we were doing was right. I've been missing that, WE'VE being missing that in our lives. And I've been thinking about what else we've been missing.

In primary, we've been talking a lot about hearing the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. How can we hear Him when we are so distracted? How are those teaching moments with my children going to happen if we are glued to the tv, not even interacting with each other? It can't happen. I can see in my children that they seem to have the need to be entertained. I can see that I need to be a better example. We need to have quiet. We need unscheduled time. During undistracted, quiet time is when magical, wonderful moments happen.

For awhile, I felt such guilt because we haven't been able to have all of our kids involved in some extracurricular activity. I felt that maybe somehow we were limiting their ability to develop talents. I see moms dragging their kids to this lesson, or this game, or this class and I would wonder if I was somehow short-changing my children. But, I've since realized that I am not. Talents come in many forms.

I know that the choices I make are not popular. Having a big family is not the norm. Over the internet, I have met others who are like-minded and some who have much larger families than mine. I am so glad to have found these kindred spirits who understand why we've chosen to invest in family and not in things. When life gets tough, and sometimes quite unbearable, I remind myself that family is the only thing that you can take with you, besides your own experience and knowledge, when you leave this life. To be quite honest, just as some may look at me and wonder why I would want 6 (or more) children, I look at those with 1 or 2 and wonder why they would only want that many. I don't know their circumstances and I really shouldn't wonder, but I do.

Today, I have been bombarded with many thoughts (can you tell?). I am so glad that I have a Heavenly Father who is aware of me and who, I believe, whispers to me through the Holy Ghost these nuggets of truth and thought. I don't have it all figured out. I'm still really scared about our future and my faith is somewhat shaky, but I know that if I stand firm and do what is right, everything will work out somehow.