Step Two

Another installment on the Twelve Step Program I'm involved in through my church:

Step Two: HOPE
Key Principle: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

"If we turn to the Lord, there will be no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness."--Boyd K. Packer

Step one was fairly easy for me. I basically came to a point where I knew that the direction my life was headed was not a good one. I contemplated going to the meetings for probably a month. When I finally did go, I knew it was where I was supposed to be.

This second step is a tough one. So often, I feel like the tender mercies of the Lord are reserved for others, but for me? No way! I'm not rigtheous enough or good enough, etc. But, the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all. I know this, but maybe don't FEEL it right now. I have shut the Lord out of my life, and feel like I need to get my life in order before I can approach him again. Just typing that seems so silly. It doesn't make sense.

For so long, I have tried to overcome my weaknesses by myself, with sheer willpower. I know I need to replace that trust in myself (which clearly hasn't worked) with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ.

This step is the first to have action steps. They are to pray and to read and ponder the scripturs. It's about simply becoming willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. It is to watch for evidence of Their love.

A scripture that was shared last week has really helped me. It is 2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things become new." I know that scripture is true and it says ANY man (or woman). That includes me! I have a small hope right now, but that's all that is needed, just a tiny bit. "If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27).

Now, if you look closely (or sometimes not too closesly), you can see dust in my house. I think about a particle of dust. It's pretty small! So, right now, with my faith and hope, that are the size of a particle of dust sitting right there on my blinds, if that is enough...I know I can do this! Let that desire work in me means that I hang on to my particle and then DO THE WORK, even if I'm not feeling it. Pray, even if I don't want to. Read the scriptures, even if I don't always understand. It's about taking the steps, little by little.

As far as my addiction to food goes, I've just tried to be AWARE. I'm not on a program or anything. I am asking myself if I'm really hungry. If I'm bored (which frankly seems like it'd be impossible in our house), then I play the piano, or organize a shelf. If I'm upset, I write my feelings down in my journal. If I'm tired, and it's feasible, I take a nap, or at least lie down and rest. I have a big problem with eating at night. So, I try to replace that habit with taking a bubble bath, or writing, or reading scriptures, or simply going to bed. It's about not sleepwalking anymore. I feel like I've been in a trance, just going through the motions of my life. And now, I'm finally waking up. It's good to be awake! "Awake and arouse your faculties." I think I may write a list of alternatives to eating and keep it posted on the fridge. There is nothing wrong with eating. It is when eating is "used" when you're not really hungry.

Cynthia