A Day in the Life...

Yesterday was one of those days...

1. Our new bird, Baby...she got out. The front door was open and she flew out into one of our trees. After trying to get her, using a ladder, her cage and a fishing net, she was gone. She got a taste of freedom and that's all it took.

Savannah and Baby...




2. I got a denial letter for health insurance for my kids because I didn't get the paperwork in on time. Um, yes I did, actually. After a brief temper-tantrum on my part, I decided I'd give them a lovely phone call on Monday.

3. We got the leaves raked up in the front yard, but there they sit in the trailer because...our suburban has a flat tire--hauling them to the composte dump will have to wait.

4. We took our kids to see Savannah in "Fiddler on the Roof"...one of these kids is nearly 2 years old. Need I say more? We could've used a mop to clean up the sweat that accumulated from John after he tried to wrangle/contain/quiet Lincoln for 90 minutes.

5. Because of the bird incident, John and I weren't able to squeeze in a little date before the play, like we had planned. I need our dates like fish need water. It's what gets me through the week.

6. I balanced our checkbook...enough said.

But, really none of this matters. Seeing Savannah dance and sing was wonderful and we surprised her with some roses afterwards. The look on her face was priceless. It seems that even if a million things go wrong, the few things that go right make it all worth it.

I Am The Luckiest

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. I feel so overwhelmed, but so very lucky. There is something so sweet about the love of a mother. And I have been so blessed to have the love of 3 mothers.

First, there is my birth mother, Tina. She loved me so much, that she gave me up so that I could have a life she felt she couldn't provide. She was unselfish and gave me to a mother who couldn't have children.

Next, I had my mom, Pamela. She was given the gift of 3 children by adoption. She raised me right. She taught me the gospel. She helped me whenever I needed help (and still does). She has loved me for all of these years, even when I have disappointed her. She took care of me.

And finally, I have my mother-in-law, Marcia. I don't see her very much anymore, but she is a great example to me. She accepted me and my children into her family immediately and has loved us all.

I am so lucky.

Fantabulous News

Simply stated: I am adopted and this past weekend, I found and talked to both of my birth parents. It has been such a blessing and I am so happy!

Question and Answer

I've had a lot on my mind lately...some questions that have gone unanswered. Also I have been struggling with some feelings that I haven't been quite sure what to do with. One piece of wisdom I've picked up lately is "Do the next obedience", or in other words, "Do the next right thing." So tonight, even though it was inconvenient, I did the next right thing and went to a place I needed to be. And the answers came. I am so thankful for having other people in my life that will share their experiences and feelings so that I can learn. It is so true that often our prayers are answered through other people.

Be Quiet!

In Titus 2:5 it says that women should be discreet. I looked up discreet in the dictionary and it means to be careful about what one says or does. Then in Alma 7:23, we are counseled to be easily entreated. This means to be approachable, accessible, and to listen. These 2 scriptures helped me realize that I need to be quiet and listen more.

Sometimes I come away from a conversation and I have a sinking feeling because I know I talked too much and perhaps even dominated the conversation. I also know that at times I SAY too much. I give too much information. I am learning that just because I think something doesn't mean I need to say it. I am trying to be more thoughtful about what I say. I also just need to BE QUIET!!

Be Still And Know That I Am God

I think I may have shared this story in an earlier blog, so I apologize, but it very much illustrates what I want to share in this post.

Without going into any specifics, I am struggling with some things in my life right now, as most of us are. I mean, really, when is there never something to overcome, work on, or deal with in our lives? As I have taken a personal inventory of my life, I recognize a common theme. And that is of self-will. I pit my will against God's. I try to get (or, more accurately, force, manipulate, control) others to do what I think they should. *sigh* And so here's the story:

When I was a little girl, my Mom would rock us kids to sleep. I remember, with fondness, many of the songs she would sing. But, something I don't recall, but my Mom does, is that I wasn't an easy child to rock. Instead of lying in my Mother's arms and letting her rock me as she sang, I would lean forward and backward, trying to dictate to her how fast or slow I wanted the rocking to be. I was trying to make her rock me at my pace and not hers! I wasn't still. Needless to say, it frustrated her.

This has continued. But it has continued in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. How many times have I asked Him to bless me and then go on to dictate to Him exactly how to do that? How many times has the Holy Ghost whispered to me and I ignored it? How many times have I been angry because my Father in Heaven allowed something horrible to happen to me or a loved one? How many times have I been disobedient? Impatient? Prideful? More times than I'd care to admit, I'm afraid.

I am working on learning to trust in God. Today in my reading, I came upon this passage and I'd like to share it here:

"Those who have done needlepoint know it's important which side of the fabric to display. One side is full of crisscrossing threads and tiny knots that make the design difficult to recognize. But when it's turned over, the entire picture comes into view. I have always loved the following poem about a needlepoint or weaving design. It helps me trust God when I can't understand why things happen the way they do.

My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget that He seeth the upper, and I the under side.
Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."

From When Times Are Tough by John Bytheway, poem by Al Bryant.

Wow. I know that I need to be still and know that God is in charge. I can be sure of His love for me. I can work on keeping my side of the street and not concerning myself with how well other's are keeping their side. It is hard. It doesn't come naturally for me to not control. But, I know that I can overcome this weakness. I know that I can trust God and in His plan for me!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

I don't know about you, but many times (maybe everytime) I look in the mirror, I am bombarded with negative thoughts about my appearance. It honestly feels like Satan himself has unleashed dozens, or maybe hundreds of his minions to whisper horrible things about my body in my ear. Then, they proceed to follow me around throughout the rest of the day to tell me negative things about what I'm doing and who I am! This is honestly how I have lived my life for many years...just listening to those thoughts and believing them.

But lately, through a change in habits and adding prayer and scripture study into my life, I have realized that those thoughts don't plague me quite as often. And, in fact, I had a rather wonderful impression about those thoughts, especially the ones about my body.

Satan doesn't have a body. He is jealous of all of us that do. And Satan's main objective is to make us miserable like he is. He wants us to hate and even destroy the body that our Father in Heaven gave to us. I started to think about the marvelous things that my body has done. It has carried 6 babies. It has fed them. I am able to walk. I am able to hug my children. Last night, I just started to think about the miracle of my hands. I am able to type. I am able to cook. I am able to write. I am able to fold laundry, drive a car, hold a book, pick up toys, etc. I thought about how hard it would be if I didn't have hands.

But, I've also been studying a lot lately about the importance of caring for our bodies. Yes, my body is capable of doing many things. I am so grateful for it. I know, however, that I have not been kind to it. I am learning that caffeine and excess food dampens my ability to feel the spirit. And, believe me, I need to be able to have the spirit with me. I also have greatly reduced how often and how long I exercise and I can feel the difference.

It's not so much about my physical appearance anymore. Although I do desire to improve how I look, I am more interested in being obedient. No, I don't drink, do drugs, or smoke, but am I really living the word of wisdom? Am I being obedient when I turn to food instead of to Him? I truly have discovered on the journey that I have recently begun, that my compulsive eating is a symptom of greater things. I have substituted turning to my Savior for help, with turning to food instead. It's really very sad. It's much more complex than this, but I think I can make my point by keeping it simple.

I am so grateful for the feelings of peace and understanding that I have as I've turned my life and my will over to my Father in Heaven. It's not easy. It doesn't come natural for me to surrender and truly give up my will. I am so reliant on Him. I really agree whole-heartedly with the hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour." Some days it's "I Need Thee Every Second." I know that I can't do anything without Him. Maybe for awhile I can believe the illusion that I create, that I can do everything by myself. But, it eventually becomes blindingly apparent that I can't do it by myself.

"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom, but behold my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing, as to my strength I am weak, therefore I will not boast of myself but I will boast of my God. For in his strength I can do all things." Alma 26:11-12

Who Do You Turn To?

Recently, I was listening to a talk by Sheri Dew. In it, she relates a story about how she and a group of women were together, visiting. A hot topic at the time came up, and all the women, (who in Sheri Dew's opinion were smart, spiritual, wonderful women) were discussing a recent Oprah Winfrey show on this topic. Sister Dew pointed out that at a recent General Relief Society meeting, this topic was also addressed by the Relief Sociey General President. None of the women attended the meeting. Sister Dew began feeling "excited" by the discussion. One of the women had a very busy life, and talked about how much she loves watching Oprah and never misses a show. Sister Dew knew the woman worked during the day and so, quite irritated asked, "You have time to watch Oprah everyday, but you couldn't find 90 minutes to go to a meeting where women of God, who receive divine inspiration for all of the women of the church AND the world, speaks to us?" The woman replied defensively that she recorded Oprah during the day and watched it later.

She went on to say that there are many in the public who have bits of truth sprinkled into the world's way. So, it is all neatly packaged and appealing to many of us. But she posed the question, "Where do we turn first?"

I thought about this. I am a fan of Dr. Laura. I read a lot of books when I'm struggling with something as a wife or mother or friend. I almost always turn to the world first. Dr. Laura has some good advice. (I don't like Oprah, but I know many do and may find her advice helpful.) There are a lot of "experts" out there in the media. But, do we turn to the Lord first? He who has all the answers? I haven't always, but I am desiring to do so now.

I find myself turning more and more to the scriptures, to personal prayer, to Conference talks, and to the Ensign. We can get together as woman and talk about the difficulties of being a mother or being a wife. We can talk about how stressful it is to raise a family. But I testify that the clear and only way to truly know what is best and truly know what to do doesn't come from a friend's advice or from a radio show. It comes from the Lord. Plain and simple. I don't apologize for this opinion or feeling. I know it is true.

It's funny, because I have friends who think that motherhood comes so easily for me. Ha Ha and another Ha!! They obviously don't know me. I have always struggled with worry of losing my identity in the mass of diapers, loads of laundry and the many hours spent taking care of others. But, recently, that worry has faded. As I've turned to my scriptures and read inspirational stories and talks by those who speak the truth, I have had an overwhelming feeling of peace that what I'm doing is the right thing.

As long as I put VERY FIRST in my day, reading scriptures and praying, my day goes well. I find time to do the things I love that have nothing to do with my roles as wife and mother. It truly is an amazing thing to test out, if you haven't already. My day doesn't magically become easier and without difficulty, but I feel directed and lead to the things I should do first, that are most important and I have learned how to deal with the urgent in a much calmer way.

I am so thankful for what I am learning. I am so thankful that I don't have to rely on the world and what it thinks I should do. What a confusing way to live! I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to be a mother. It really is all worth it.

When times get tough, who do you turn to?

Blonde Roots, Senility, or Just Plain Dumb?

Friday night at about 8 pm, I became the epitomy of lame. John usually gets home from work about 5 after for his "lunch break." (My husband works from 4pm to 2am.) I had had a very busy day and was "relaxing" with the kids while we watched a movie for our traditional "Family Movie Night." (Unfortunately, true relaxing doesn't really occur until all the kids are asleep, which doesn't happen enough, in my opinion.) Anyway, so at about 5 after 8, Lincoln and I headed for the front door to wait for John, as we normally do. I became puzzled. The car was parked in the driveway. I knocked on the bathroom door to see if he had snuck in undetected and headed for the loo. But, nope, he wasn't there! I looked everywhere upstairs, and even hollered down the basement stairs, wondering if he had gone down there. Nope! I was so confused. I couldn't understand where he could be!! I picked up my phone and saw that he had left me a text. It simply said, "Hun?" At this point, I was wondering what the heck he was doing? I was actually getting a little ticked off. I mean, who comes home for a lunch break and then hides? Was this some lame attempt at one of his practical jokes? Were we playing some adult version of hide and seek? Now, really?? Yep, by now, I was absolutely frustrated!!

No, my friends, no. I then looked on my phone and saw the first text that he had sent, that I hadn't noticed. It said. "You can come get me now." The time he sent it was about 10 minutes before 8pm. Yep, I had driven John to work that day! I had errands to run and since we are down to one car right now, I had to take him to work. I felt completely stupid at this point. I quickly called him and told him I was on my way. When I picked him up, I explained what happened and we had a really good laugh. Honestly, I don't think it's blonde roots, senility or just plain dumb. I think I'm just tired. I'm a tired, tired mom.

R.I.P.

Our trampoline died on December 21, 2010.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

The other night, after standing at the kitchen sink for an hour, doing dishes from the weekend (the ones that don't fit in the dishwasher), I headed to the basement to work on laundry. I was down there for about 10 minutes. I switched the loads, started a load and folded the clean laundry. While doing this, I could hear squeals of joy while Micah and Lincoln were playing upstairs. Bounce bounce...it sounded like they were playing catch.

When I finished, I headed back upstairs and I noticed a smell. Wow, I thought, that lemon dish soap is strong! It smelt very, very citrusy. (Is that even a word?) I went into the front room and "stick, stick", my feet were sticking to the hardwood floor as I walked. "What happened in here?" I exclaimed. "Why is the floor all sticky?!" Wynter quietly says, "Micah and Lincoln were playing catch...with an orange."

A Couple of Good Questions, I'd Say

Yesterday Micah watched Sesame Street, as he usually does before he goes to school. We got in the car and he asked, "Mom, how DO you get to Sesame Street?" Oh my. At first, I laughed because, although I have heard the theme song for many years, I had never really thought about it. "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?" So, I looked up where it is filmed. It is filmed in Astoria, Queens, New York City, New York in the Kaufman Studios. The Cosby Show was also filmed there. So, I showed Micah where Sesame Street is on Google Maps. He thought it was pretty neat. Thanks to a friend who suggested I research this...

About 2 weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, brushing my hair after a shower. Hunter looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why are you brushing your hair, Mom? Is it Sunday?" Wow, I laughed and then told him no. What a funny guy. But, honestly, I think I must put my hair up so much into a pony tail or bun, that when I actually wash and style it, my kids think I'm getting primped up for church. *sigh* I should probably change that...

Birthday Fun

November is a busy month for us at the Watkins household! There are 2 birthdays, our wedding anniversary, and of course, Thanksgiving.

Savannah had a boy/girl birthday celebration this year. We headed out...somewhere, um south-west of us, where Nutty Putty cave used to be, and played capture the flag. My mom watched the 3 youngest boys at her house and then John and I each drove a vehicle and hauled Savannah, several friends, and Mark and Wynter out to the boonies. We all had a lot of fun. I didn't get any pictures out there, but here are some afterwards at our house.








Savannah is excited to be able to attend church dances now. She is a wonderful daughter. She is turning into such a lovely young woman. And she is hilarious!!

For Micah's 6th birthday, we went out to dinner as a family and celebrated at home. I can't believe Micah is 6 already! Time has gone by so quickly. He is loving kindergarten. Being in afternoon K is difficult because that 4 hour wait from when his siblings leave for school is tortuous for him. Plus he has to put up with Lincoln, who enjoys teasing Micah to no end.









The balloons that I bought from Macey's lasted for a couple of weeks. Lincoln claimed them as his. He would say, "Bagoon, bagoon!" We had a lot of fun celebrating with and without the "bagoons"!







On our wedding anniversary, we didn't celebrate because it was a Thursday and John had to work. But that weekend we went and saw Harry Potter 7, Part 1. It was really good. I love that John and I have read all the books and watch the movies together. But, anything I do with John is fun. I am so glad that we found each other and I look forward to many more years with him.

Thanksgiving was yummy. John did most of the cooking and I am very thankful for that! Having a long weekend with my family is so much fun and I'm looking forward to Christmas break!

Hard lessons

I've learned some hard lessons lately. During this time, it has helped tremendously to talk things out with my husband, write in a personal journal and talk to my Heavenly Father. My heart is still sad, but I have come to the point of acceptance, even if I don't fully understand.

1. No matter how much people in the church are back-biting, snobby, or judgemental...the church is still true. Not participating fully in the church only hurts me and my family.

2. Cliques even exist in families. Go figure.

3. Paying tithing doesn't magically make money appear in the mailbox to cover this bill or that...like so many say it does. What it does is it makes us more financially aware and more accountable...therefore we're able to make ends meet better. It works.

4. The grass isn't greener on the other side.

5. Sometimes friendships that have lasted for over 25 years need to come to an end.

6. No matter how much I teach my children to do good...they have their agency and sometimes have to learn the hard way.

7. Men don't need to be an Eagle scout in order to enter the celestial kingdom.

8. Nothing is as heart-breakingly difficult, yet rewarding and joyful as being a mother.

9. Sometimes the only way through, is through!

10. Being happy is a choice...albeit a hard choice at times.

Amen

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived." -Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I read this quote several years ago, but was reminded of it when a friend posted it on facebook. The quote is so articulate and expresses how I feel so perfectly.
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I'm Back

After a much needed hiatus, I've decided to start blogging again. Stay tuned...

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!

I have some serious anger issues. Seems I need to get back to writing. No, I won't blog about what makes me angry because I have to keep the illusion of being a nice person. But I really need to get back to long-hand angry writing. It is so therapeutic (sp?) for me and I really need some therapy right about now.

Writing allows me to vent without really having an audience who will possibly judge me for my rant, or judge the person I'm ranting about or both. And who needs that? So, what is the crux of my anger? Life hasn't gone how I've planned. I know, I know. Most people could say the same, but right now it is so relevant to my life.

One assignment I've given myself is to write letters to those I'm angry at, but with no delivery of said letters. Maybe I'll burn them or rip them up. Just like cleaning out a closet can feel so freeing, so can writing all those things you've always wanted to say to the person (or people) you've always wanted to say them to. I've done this before, but feel the need to do it again.

Why do I have to be so complicated??

Back to School

Well, four started school today. Micah will start kindergarten next Tuesday. Then it will be just Linky and I for part of the day! I'd like to say that now that they are in school I will be highly productive, exercise and shower by 9am, have the house in order when the kids get home, along with a healthy snack and have gotten some errands done, but I will not commit myself to that in writing, in a public place. Today has already been rocky. I am sick. Can you believe it? Yep, I've got a lovely head cold. But, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Hunter (starting 2nd grade) and Wynter (starting 4th grade)





Savannah (starting 8th grade and not smiling)







Mark (starting 11th grade and avoiding the camera)

What Matters Most?

The Las Vegas Temple--where John and I were sealed for time and all eternity


Today I went visiting teaching with my awesome friend, Stephanie. The thing that I love so much about these monthly visits is that I always learn something from those that I visit.

I was so impressed with the first woman we visited. Although I have visited with her many times before, she said some things that I really needed to hear. I truly believe that some of the questions that can be stewing around in our minds, are answered by those around us. She sets very small and attainable fitness goals. She is a diabetic and has to be very careful about what she eats, but she doesn't let it control her. She's very dedicated to simple exercise, too.

Another thing that was so impressive is that she has made the decision to get on the computer only 1 time per week. She used to spend 1-2 hours per day on the computer and realized that she needed to use some self-discipline and reduce that. ALOT! She gets on every Friday. That's it!

The second woman we visited is an older woman. This month's message was on the importance of staying temple worthy and having a recommend, even if you are unable to attend the temple. She told of a dream she had many years ago after her husband had passed away and she was left to raise 8 children on her own.

She was standing by a river and a boat, like those in Italy that are pushed along with a pole, came by. In it was her husband and two other men. They asked her to come with them, but she needed to get her recommend. She didn't have it with her, so she asked one of her daughters to run up to the house and get it for her. They told her they couldn't wait, and they left her there. She woke up in tears.

Now, you may be thinking that the moral of this dream for her was to always carry her recommend with her. But she felt impressed that she was to always keep her recommend current. We've been counseled to do that very thing by the leaders of our church. John and I are now at a point that we CAN get our recommends renewed. I am planning to make an appointment with the Bishop ASAP and get the ball rolling. I know that attending the temple would truly be a help for John and I at this time. The temple brings such peace and perspective. I love how I can leave the world outside and take time to ponder and pray and reflect on what is truly important.

So, I got to thinking, what matters most? Does how I spend my time truly reflect what is most important to me? Or am I all talk? I've decided to take a true inventory of what I BELIEVE to be most important to me and then compare that with how I spend my time. I feel this huge need to take a close look at my life. I can see that I have been very busy, but busy doing a lot of things that just don't matter.

Because of this, I've set a goal, as my friend has, to only get on the computer 1 time per week. It may be hard at first, but I can see how beneficial it will be for me in the long run.

Second, I've decided to simplify my weight-loss, or rather, fitness goal. I have decided to simply 1) stop eating after dinner and 2) walk every day.

And third, I am going to get my temple recommend renewed.

I have a lot more thinking and examining to do, but this is my start! Have a great week!

A Simple Day #1

Today I spent over an hour on the porch with Lincoln while it rained. I talked to him, sang to him and watched him go up and down; up and down; up and down the stairs leading to the porch.

I loaded up 7 boxes into the Suburban that I will take to the DI tomorrow.

I limited my time on the internet to 30 minutes + however long it takes for me to get this blog post done.

I've decided not to color my hair anymore. But I give myself the right to change my mind if I just can't stand it. : )

I didn't make a single phone call or send a single text.

I took a little nap instead of drinking diet Coke.

Good night!